3 Ways My Miscarriage Strengthened My Relationship With God
I just turned 20, and here I sat with my not quite 1.5 year old and 4 month old preparing for my college class, having a miscarriage. I was struggling on a whole new level. I sat there thinking the most irrational, crazy thoughts. Back and forth, back and forth:
“I just found out I was pregnant 4 days ago, why am I this upset?”
“Maybe I’m not a good enough mom to ever have another baby…”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Did I get pregnant that easily with our first 2 by accident?”
“What if I never get pregnant/ have a baby again?”
I was at a whole new low. I had “fallen off the bandwagon” when it came to my faith on and off from the time I learned about Jesus at 13. It was a long 7 year roller coaster, to say the least. Most people “lose their faith” in moments like this. Somehow, it strengthened my faith.
I sat in a warm bath easing the cramps, crying. I kept my bible beside the bathtub at all times so I could read snippets during my only alone time. It then dawned on me! My bible is full of random dates, writing, and underlining, but I never had a place to keep everything, so I decided to change that…I kept a prayer journal.
When Things Began to Change
I studied the bible, finding the most fulfilling verses during this season, and started to fill my journal. I truly saw that as a sign from God, because for the longest time I struggled to read the bible. I never knew how it applied to me personally…
I started a prayer journal, and since then have only written in that particular journal when things are extremely difficult. I wrote down the most insightful pieces of scripture down for the next few days to come.
It helped me remember that I am able to praise the Lord, mourn, and I will overcome this difficult season.
- “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
- “I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4
- “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
- “The lowly he sets on high, and those who mourn are lifted to safety.” Job 5:11
- “For I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the Lord…” Jeremiah 30:17
- “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORDin the land of the living.” Psalm 27:13-14
- “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
- “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.” Isaiah 41:10
I opened up to the most insightful, Christian people I knew of.
I never grew up in a religious home. Heck, I never even grew up in a home where God was talked about. I had never experienced prayer as a family, being prayed over, and still was struggling to find a “home church” back then.
What I Did That Surprised Me
I hadn’t talked to my old friend in years, but knew she was still the most kind-hearted woman who had a love for God. I used to never understand why she chose to follow the word, go to church regularly, pray out loud and often. It wasn’t until my miscarriage I knew exactly why we had crossed paths.
We were polar opposites. She had been such a wonderful example of the word, and I felt as if I always fell short of her because of her pure heart and intentions. To clarify, she personally had never made me feel that way, it was my own insecurities.
That was the first day in years I had ever picked up the phone to call her. I am so thankful I did. I feel as if God used her in my life, previously, to plant a seed; a friendship; to encourage my faith… I opened up to her and for the first time in my life:
I was prayed for over the phone and had never experienced the warmth and love as I did that day. I encourage you to open up to a friend who is well rehearsed in the word, and who will openly pray for you on the spot. The type of healing that happened when I was prayed for and loved on, it will forever be indescribable.
Letting God’s Love Into My Heart
When I started to pray for the first time in months, I felt the burden and worry began to minimize, and the pain vanish. I started to play worship music during the day. I was never the type to sit at home and listen to music while I did school work or played with the kids. I was more the type to listen to podcasts, audio books, or inspirational YouTube videos to brighten my day.
Honestly, I always felt as if I was lacking something during my day, and I know now that I was lacking more time with God and praising Him.
The friend, I had mentioned above, suggested some amazing artists to listen to during the day who were amazing! I felt as if my miscarriage had opened up the door to this new life, although I think about the precious baby each and every day.
Now, I listen to worship music everywhere doing everything. I decided to include my favorite 4 songs, as well as a playlist that I absolutely love!
- My current favourite playlist to pick through: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCZAynQU_-8
- Dante Bowe- Real Thing
- Dante Bowe- My Soul Sings
- Lauren Daigle- Rescue
- Hillsong United- Oceans (Where My Feet May Fail)
Feeling God’s Undeniable Compassion
The lesson I had learned from this experience: although it was an incredibly soul aching experience, I had felt so much love and compassion in that period. I had randomly been given a coffee gift card from a neighbor, and a friend delivered me a batch of cookies. Both had no idea what I was going through, but I learned how God uses some people as lights during difficult seasons.
If you had ever experienced a loss or miscarriage, I encourage you to continue (or start!) praying, and do not be afraid to reach out for help. I found counseling and friends to be the most wonderful form of support and love, all while finding ways to connect with God.
Not once in the bible does it say to stress about it, and to worry about it, to figure it out on your own, to bury your pain, and to hide your anxiety. It says over and over to trust in God.
Feel free to connect with me on Instagram @adrianne.reelie and share your story. I will happily send a voice memo praying for you! For more helpful blog posts and resources, you can visit me at https://www.adriannereelie.com.